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Literature Text
Age will ruin us
because we will grow to experience pain and hate,
we will begin to wonder
if the good outweighs the bad.
The darkness will creep into our souls
and we will hide it away to "protect" ourselves
The darkness will fester,
become infected,
and spread veins of pain throughout our mind,
to our body,
and permeate our soul.
The tar we carry in our hearts will continue to take over
and we will become sickly;
our mind will cloud,
we will become cynical and jaded
We will die with regrets
we will die with unanswered questions
we will die with "what if"s
we may even die by our own hands.
We will die with darkness inside us.
because we will grow to experience pain and hate,
we will begin to wonder
if the good outweighs the bad.
The darkness will creep into our souls
and we will hide it away to "protect" ourselves
The darkness will fester,
become infected,
and spread veins of pain throughout our mind,
to our body,
and permeate our soul.
The tar we carry in our hearts will continue to take over
and we will become sickly;
our mind will cloud,
we will become cynical and jaded
We will die with regrets
we will die with unanswered questions
we will die with "what if"s
we may even die by our own hands.
We will die with darkness inside us.
Inspired by starlight-soso’s poem “Innocent_15” ( starlight-soso.deviantart.com/… )
This will be the first poem of 2017
-January 4th, 2017
© 2017 - 2024 chainedheart977
Comments4
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Hello, my friend, and Happy New Year! I'm here for this year's Critmas, spreading cheer through positive and constructive commenting! I saw this in the group thelifeofwords and I've been more than just a little existential these past few years, so I decided to review this.
What first caught my eye is just how blunt and almost forceful this poem is. The narrator is telling me exactly how they view the world and they're not holding anything back. It didn't let up, it didn't waver, and I was completely engrossed. I especially love the fourth stanza, where there is much emphasis in each line as they all start the same way. It's powerful and reflective.
The last line of the third stanza, unfortunately, hurts this emphasis, as it also starts with the powerful, unforgiving "we will". Omitting this and making it simply "become cynical and jaded" would not only keep the emphasis, but, in my opinion, it would also have a better flow, as it's a bit wordy at the end of the third stanza.
Speaking of wordiness, I also wanted to mention a couple of lines from the second stanza.
"and spread veins of pain throughout our mind,
to our body"
It's weird to see this start off as a plural pronoun, "our", but finish as singular nouns, "mind" & "body". Not too long ago, you did this correctly, by using "our" in tandem with "souls". There's nothing wrong with having the human species be described as one singular body or mind, but you should be consistent if that's what you're going for. But if you're referring to many humans, you should keep it plural.
And I think omitting the word "to" could benefit the poem. You can add emphasis to these lines, as you did with the fourth stanza, by having the second line be simply "our body". But that's up to you, really.
I greatly enjoyed this poem. There's a lot of wisdom and insight in just these few lines and it reads so fantastically. You're a very talented poet! Free verse is my favorite genre of poetry as well, and it was refreshing to see something that utilizes that genre this well. I had a few nitpicks, but it really is a great poem. Morbid and dark, just the way I love it~
Hope anything I've said here helps! If you've any questions or desire clarification, just let me know. Happy New Year, friend!
What first caught my eye is just how blunt and almost forceful this poem is. The narrator is telling me exactly how they view the world and they're not holding anything back. It didn't let up, it didn't waver, and I was completely engrossed. I especially love the fourth stanza, where there is much emphasis in each line as they all start the same way. It's powerful and reflective.
The last line of the third stanza, unfortunately, hurts this emphasis, as it also starts with the powerful, unforgiving "we will". Omitting this and making it simply "become cynical and jaded" would not only keep the emphasis, but, in my opinion, it would also have a better flow, as it's a bit wordy at the end of the third stanza.
Speaking of wordiness, I also wanted to mention a couple of lines from the second stanza.
"and spread veins of pain throughout our mind,
to our body"
It's weird to see this start off as a plural pronoun, "our", but finish as singular nouns, "mind" & "body". Not too long ago, you did this correctly, by using "our" in tandem with "souls". There's nothing wrong with having the human species be described as one singular body or mind, but you should be consistent if that's what you're going for. But if you're referring to many humans, you should keep it plural.
And I think omitting the word "to" could benefit the poem. You can add emphasis to these lines, as you did with the fourth stanza, by having the second line be simply "our body". But that's up to you, really.
I greatly enjoyed this poem. There's a lot of wisdom and insight in just these few lines and it reads so fantastically. You're a very talented poet! Free verse is my favorite genre of poetry as well, and it was refreshing to see something that utilizes that genre this well. I had a few nitpicks, but it really is a great poem. Morbid and dark, just the way I love it~
Hope anything I've said here helps! If you've any questions or desire clarification, just let me know. Happy New Year, friend!